Live, Laugh, Pray, Love Mommy

Being a mother is challenging. We are tasked with running our household all while working full time outside our home. We are the cook, the doctor, the nurse, and the counselor. Some of us are praised by our husbands and children and some of us are not. Some of us lose ourselves in it all. We have no days off. Being a mother is indeed challenging. Being a mother with a mental illness adds an additional challenge to these challenges. I am a mother with a mental illness. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of my anxiety is internalized so as to not disrupt the flow of the people in my world. Since the age of 4 I have had great fear and worry over everything. Things that have happened and haven't happened. The panic came later in my life. I cannot go to certain malls and huge gatherings. As a mother the anxiety has grown. I take my medication faithfully and I feel that it has helped the flow of traffic in my mind however, nothing can completely take it away. I feel like it...

I am still on a journey to find out the cause of my challenged health. It is almost like an episode of Mystery Diagnosis when I reflect on my experience. I have been back and forth to the doctor (not only of recent but throughout the years as well) and getting a series of tests done. My previous post, "Heart of the Matter 2," revealed that I did not have a heart issue but I recently got a message from my doc stating that they reviewed the video the Cardiologist sent them and his notes indicated Pulmonary Hypertension. She ordered a rush chest X-ray to see if anything is going on with my lungs and everything came back normal, which was good news. My doctor has advised that she wanted me to get a CT Pulmonary Angiogram done since the first one did not focus on my lungs. I scheduled that for January 2nd. Once that comes back, we will know more and I may be referred to a Pulmonary specialist for further testing. Of course, I googled Pulmonary Hypertension and found out that it ...

I am sick and do not know why. I have been dealing with some serious symptoms. I have always dealt with extreme fatigue but in the past 2 years it has become nearly debilitating. I find it hard to do simple things like grocery shopping or doing chores around the house or walking up the steps or putting my clothes on. I experience extreme fatigue with these activities and it usually takes me a day or two to recoup. I have dizziness, and heart palpitations. I have recently experienced chest pain. It wasn't until I started having chest pains during sex when I decided it was time to take a visit to the doctor. My doctor advised that this could be something related to my heart. Since visiting the doctor, I have had blood tests that show I am healthy and I recently did a stress test and 2D Echo that showed my heart was fine. I immediately felt like a fool and quickly reasoned that this was possibly in my head. I have an angiogram scheduled for tomorrow but I don't think anything will...

I prefer the color purple rather than the color pink. Purple is the color I like the most because I think it is beautiful. A month ago my son revealed his color preference and I wasn't prepared. It has taken me some time to think about whether I would write about this topic or not as it is pretty sensitive but in the end I feel like not writing about it would bring a constant nagging that would be hard to escape. About a month ago, my oldest son, Desmond asked me to place my hand up against his hand and I did not understand why. He analyzed his hand and mine and proceeded to say, "I wish I had you and Omari's color brown." My heart betrayed me and stopped. All my senses went numb. I couldn't believe what my wonderfully made son just said. I asked him why he felt that way and he said that my brown and his brother's brown was a better brown because it's lighter. I pushed past the ringing in my ear and lovingly asked him if someone at school was saying mean ...

I took a break from writing. It was a break that I didn't know I needed but it kind of happened naturally. A few months ago, my son Desmond lovingly counseled me on how much attention I have been paying to my phone. He was right. My head was down too often enough for him to notice. I can't let that happen again. These moments with my babies are too precious and fragile. I definitely need to HANDLE WITH CARE. So with that being said, I am back but I am going to exercise a little more balance. I love writing but sometimes I get too needy. I turn into the clingy girlfriend with it. I also started getting obsessed with gaining followers and popularity with the media spectators. I wanted people to really enjoy my blog as much as I do (and I wanted to make a little money too. Shoot). I can't worry myself about it. That will take a backseat. My children come first. I am going to be more cautious this time around. I will find a balance. I have been humbled. I truly appreciate par...

I am a hostage. The names of the people holding me hostage may shock you. They have sweet little faces and say cute things but don't be fooled. Their names are Desmond and Omari. Yes, my children. The leader is clearly the one named Omari. He may only be 1 but he is very powerful and scary at times. Sometimes when I am in the kitchen he appears out of nowhere. He uses his powerful grip to take hold of my leg and he only let's go when he wants to! He makes me move around with him hanging on and no matter how hard I try, I cannot break free. Desmond has night duty. He makes me lay down with him and Omari until they fall asleep. Many nights I end up falling asleep in their room. On the occasions that I do break free, I have to become a snake and slither out their room. I don't dare to breath because they will indeed hear it - they have impeccable hearing. Once I am out, I have to somehow walk on air so they will not hear my footsteps and the annoying creaks in the floor. Why ...

My 1 year old got stitches on his head last night (really this morning- ER was packed). The first of many real deal boo boos. We have a drum set in our basement and one of the snare drums was on the floor. I turned my back for literally 2 seconds (to eat a freakin cookie) and heard a shriek of pain. I quickly turned around and saw Omari holding his head. I ran over to him thinking he just hit his head on the floor or wall or something but I saw blood. I looked around and saw the snare drum and put two and two together. I cleaned the wound and saw a hole in his head. It was clearly a puncture. It wouldn't stop bleeding and it looked pretty deep. My baby! I was sick to my stomach because my baby was hurt. Desi held his stomach and started pacing the floor. "Oh God!" He said. He started to cry. "I don't want my baby brother to be hurt. Is he going to be okay?" He was so worried. My husband consoled him while I tried to clean the wound. I told my husband I have ...

Do I want to have another what?! Baby? Umm That would be a negative result on the NO test. Thank you. Don't get me wrong, I do love my babies and I love motherhood BUT shop is closed honey. My womb is thoroughly satisfied. I do not hear it calling out to me when a pregnant woman walks by and it is sure not tugging at me when my own child is screaming and hollering. Inquiring minds always want to know and with good intentions I am sure, however,  I will say for the rest of this year and forever...NO! Now if I look back at this post years later with a 3rd baby on the way, I will slap myself then and love my baby later. The goal is to not have anymore. I don't even wanna go half on one because the stakes are too high. Lol! I can't think of any other ways to convey my true desire not to have another baby. I am very happy with my 2 beautiful boys. They add so much joy to my life. I am also happy with getting my body back and not having to share it anymore. I would like to shed...

My oldest son does not want to be called Desi anymore. He tells everyone that they can call him Dez. I mean who put the idea in his head that he could grow up?! I swear I was not prepared for him to shed the nickname I have been calling him ever since he was blocked off from this world and living safely inside of me. Yes I am being very dramatic and rightly so! My child...my baby. When did I blink? I thought that I was holding on to time (insert tears here)? I got so choked up when he mentioned to someone that they could call him Dez after he was introduced as Desi. I would have balled if people weren't standing right in front of me. I literally, in that moment, travelled forward into time and saw a grown man with a mustache looking at me calling me Ma...not mommy and going by the name Dez. I had to express myself to Desi. So I told him that everyone else can call him Dez but mommy is still going to call him Desi. He protested of course but I went on to explain why I want to keep...

It has been over a year since I last posted. My goal was to continue to post so I could revisit my recorded experiences. Welp! I guess I will begin again. I have changed the name of my blog from "New to the Motherhood" to "Live, Laugh, Pray, Love Mommy" because I am no longer a new mommy. My oldest son is 6 years old now and my second is a year old. I would say that I have quite a bit of mothering experience under my belt. I feel like Live, Laugh, Pray, Love Mommy is all-encompassing. These are the reminders I want to keep for myself and what I want to instill in my children. A mother LIVES for her children, LAUGHS with them, PRAYS for them and with them. All of this can be likened to the body of a letter. They are the major parts of being a mom and life overall. The signature at the end of this letter would be "Love Mommy." Mommy's love ties all of the major parts together. Maybe it's cheesy but that's how I see it. Anyway, I have changed the ...

Anxiety is such an emotional monster. I tell you. It can be so debilitating at times. Just yesterday I had to get back on my meds because I was getting to the point where I was unable to function with life around me. I was constantly on edge, quick-tempered, worrying about this and that, happy and sad all at the same time it seemed. I wasn't present. I was zoned out -- often in a daze. I figured this wasn't good for my husband and my boys so I popped my pill. I stopped taking my medication around the time I was 6 weeks pregnant and I didn't take it after I had Omari because I was nursing him exclusively. Well, Omari is mainly on formula now. I nurse him in the morning and evenings, but now that I am taking my medication that will have to stop. I am fine with that. I have to take care of myself in this regard. I am not sure if I will have to be on medication forever but all I know is I need balance and this is what will help me right now.

Wow. I stopped writing for 3 years? What happened? Life happened. It's been pretty busy and a lot has happened over these past few years. What should I talk about first? Hmm....new job in 2013, nervous breakdown in 2014, new job in 2014 or new baby in 2016??  I'll take new baby please! Omg! He is just so cute! His name is Omari and he is 4 months now. Gosh, time really flies. I feel like I just walked out of the hospital with him yesterday. My oldest sweetheart, Desmond, is so in love with his little brother. I am really happy about that because he had a moment when I was pregnant. He told me that he didn't love the baby and was sad. I was terrified. Fast forward to now and they are the best of friends. I almost have to pinch myself because I feel like I am dreaming. I have 2 beautiful boys. Gosh. What can I say? Oh! To make things even better, I will be celebrating my 9 year wedding anniversary next month with my best friend. I am very thankful for my blessings! Anyw...