Being a Mother While Having a Mental Illness

Being a mother is challenging. We are tasked with running our household all while working full time outside our home. We are the cook, the doctor, the nurse, and the counselor. Some of us are praised by our husbands and children and some of us are not. Some of us lose ourselves in it all. We have no days off. Being a mother is indeed challenging. Being a mother with a mental illness adds an additional challenge to these challenges.

I am a mother with a mental illness. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. A lot of my anxiety is internalized so as to not disrupt the flow of the people in my world.

Since the age of 4 I have had great fear and worry over everything. Things that have happened and haven't happened. The panic came later in my life. I cannot go to certain malls and huge gatherings. As a mother the anxiety has grown. I take my medication faithfully and I feel that it has helped the flow of traffic in my mind however, nothing can completely take it away. I feel like it brings some type of order to the disorder.

My children mean the world to me. They are my breath, my life and my heart. They are a beautiful blessing. At times I feel that I am not a good mother. I have this internal war within myself. If they watch TV a little longer than they should my mind goes in overdrive about what person I am making them into. They won't get a job they won't apply themselves in school and it's going to be my fault because I just wanted to cook in peace. How selfish of me? Or I couldn't get out the bed because not only have I just worked a full day, come home to cook, clean, help with homework and muster up energy to play with my kids but I have worked my mind so much with anxious thoughts that I have completely lost all energy to be a part of the family.

Burn out is deep and retching for me because I feel like I have failed. Failed my family, myself, mothers I know and mothers I don't know. I didn't do it right. But what is right? The pictures on Instagram? Or what my mama said that her mama said? Or what the Bible says? I know it's what the Bible says but now I feel guilty and less of a faithful godly women because I thought about the other things and did not think about God first. So now I am failing as a mother and my relationship with God. Not to mention my husband that stands by me wondering if I am ok.

The war goes on and on inside until I crumble and when pieces of me fall, my husband is always there to sweep me up into a whole woman. I am thankful for his support but that nagging voice in my head says I don't deserve it. I try to do all the things I should to shut it up but it is never satisfied and the cycle happens again.

My children love me dearly. When they notice that I am sad or overwhelmed they ask me if I am ok and assure that I will be ok. They remind me to take deep breaths and rub my shoulders and give me lots of love. I never wanted to show such emotions to my children and have them worry about me. I never saw my mother break down and I always feel less of a mother because I cannot control my anxiety.

My biggest fight has always been with myself. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. I do have a wonderful support system and that really helps me. I just do not want this to define me and I grapple with that everyday. I worry my kids may "catch" what I have so that has been added to my list of anxieties. There are so many other things I can say but as I continue to write my chest gets tighter and tighter and my mind is doing that traffic jam thing it does so I will leave this little nugget on the table:

We are worthy
We are loved
We are strong
We are NOT crazy
We are NOT defeated
We are NOT our illness

Be a FRIEND to YOURSELF and know that you are not perfect and do not have to be because you cannot compete with imperfection. ALWAYS remember to look up because the sky is smiling at you.